I am working with Mark Treddinnick's 'Little Red Writing Book'.  I love it. Mark has a special gift for making the art of writing come alive in ways I have not encountered before. So personal, so funny, so clever, so wise, so rich it's like a fine-dining experience with a very good friend.

Trying one of the assignments set fledgling writers I found myself expounding on a topic that I realised has always been at the core of who I am.  I am not sure whether it is good writing but I believe the thoughts are worth sharing.

The Basis of a Good Relationship

44 years ago I stood at the altar next to my fiancé and in response to his identical words I publicly stated

I ask everyone here present to witness that I, L, take you, R,  to be my lawfully wedded husband

 to have and to hold from this day forward

for better for worse

for richer for poorer

in sickness and in health

to love and to cherish

as long as we both shall live.

 All I am I give to you

And all that I have I share with you

This is my solemn vow.

 44 years later I realise that an essential word was left out of those vows.

 Nowhere was the word TRUST used.

TRUST - the most basic of all characteristics in any relationship was never mentioned in a ceremony which in the sight of God bonded each of us to the other for life.

Trust is like gravity – it prevents everything else from floating up in the air and dissolving or disintegrating.

 What is Trust?

Trust is a deeply held belief in the other person as someone who is always doing their best to be the best they can and will treat you in the same way.

 Without this foundational attitude toward each other everything else that happens between two people has to be held with some caution… and so any sort of commitment is always conditional.

Recently a statement caught my attention ‘Faith leads to hope which leads to love’.  What a tragedy that in our culture we always lead with love – such a temporary and undeveloped concept that at its root is vital and yet so confused with emotions and expectations and sex and affection and romance all of which have their moods!

How different it can be when TRUST is the foundation of a relationship.

Within Trust everything has a voice - a ground for discussion, creative thinking, compromise, changes of mind, differing priorities, and expectations – because within Trust everything can be owned and shared, from a safe place into a safe place, even if there are irreconcilable differences about particular issues.

 Within Trust completely new solutions can be experimented with, new directions taken, power issues resolved, suffering, disappointment even tragedy can be handled because at the basis of it all is a ground on which two people have learned to stand together, as they are, without having to sacrifice themselves as individuals.  All of each person is permitted and grist for the mill.

 

Within Trust old expectations, inherent issues from the families of origin, differing priorities about use of time and money, hopes for the future can all be on the agenda.

Within Trust tensions, anger, hidden agendas and unrecognised sacred cows can be brought to the surface.

 Within Trust the needs for extraversion and introversion, low energy and high energy, security and adventure, solitude and companionship, can find a balance that suits each person thus creating a unique and custom made relationship that suits and can continually be adapted as situations change.

 

With all the complexities that choosing to make a life with another person entails there is no greater value than TRUST which you can let your weight down into.  Such TRUST when well-practised will result in richness of life including the emergence of a lifelong LOVE.

 
Trust , then comes hope and love, but the first  of these is TRUST.